Don't Tell, Don't Talk?

This is a response to Lenora Castles Bryant's letter. I am one of the people who worked with the Development Office to establish the Jolene Fund in 2000, and I have talked with several students who have been cut off financially from their parents. In every case, the student was not the one who told her parents about her sexual orientation. Most of the time, the parents found out by opening and reading her mail without her permission. It's a crime, in more ways than one.
It is extremely difficult for a young woman under the age of 25 to be declared financially independent of her parents so that she can qualify for financial aid without their support. Establishing a different residence, filing tax forms as an independent, even getting married is not enough. We alumnae have been around long enough to see generations of young women lost to Mount Holyoke's educational opportunities because their parents won't support their daughters. I'm glad we have been able to save two women from sharing their fate this year.
Donna Albino '83

I am one of the other alums who worked with the Development Office to establish the Jolene Fund. I wanted to do this for many reasons. First and foremost, was out of a sense of community with the young women who are students at my alma mater. I believe we need to care for and take care of one another.
I also believe in the power of the thoughts first expressed by John Locke. Our inalienable freedoms and rights do not stem from religious institutions or laws that try to enforce rigid adherence to some authority that does not respect humans. No one has the right to impose their belief system over someone else's rights. There's a long history of wars and abuses that have occurred when one group choses to suppress another group. We are still living in a world full of death and strife caused by hatred.
And while parents may have the power to cut their children off financially, the outcome is destructive and short sighted. I am pretty sure my parents would have disowned me as a college student for following my heart and nature. However, thirty years later, we have made peace and come to understandings. We have all grown.
I would argue that love and caring do not deserve condemnation. If you have different views, then practice your views without hate and without rancor.
Nicki Nicolo '76

This is a response to Lenora Castles Bryant's article.
As a recipient of the Jolene Fund, I would like to share my story with Lenora and others who advocate on her behalf to emphasize that no one can predict disownment. Also, if a student is faced with the obstacles beyond her control, I truly believe that Mount Holyoke and many other private institutions should assist that student to finish her studies. First off, keeping one's mouth shut has its limitations and consequences. Why would someone want to further perpetuate silence in the lesbian community by not being comfortable in her own skin, or in her own family? How can one grow as a person when part of her identity is silenced or denied? I received funds from Jolene because my sister (who was not a Mount Holyoke student) is a lesbian. I graduated last May and the summer before my senior year I got kicked out of the house along with my sister who is a lesbian. Regardless of how I identify sexually, my mother disowned me as well. I did not expect my mother to kick us out on July 14, 2006 and we had no where to go. Her kicking us out was not a result of my sister 'coming out' that day. It was 3 years of my mother getting tired of knowing that her daughter is a lesbian. She hated the idea that she had a lesbian daughter because she thought it was shameful and such a disgrace to her as a mother and to her family and to everything she worked hard for.
My entire family is damaged simply because of ignorance and hate. The person that I looked up to and revered did not want to pay for my final year at Mount Holyoke. Its not like she couldn't afford it, that wasn't the issue. She'd rather LOSE her child/children than accept that her child is a lesbian. What does that tell you? Do you honestly think that someone would want to keep her mouth shut with such hate circulating within the household? Although I faced so many obstacles to get to where I am and graduate college, I am even more certain of the importance of staying true to oneself. We should not tolerate HATE in any form. A student is better off disowned and comfortable with who she is than silenced and hated in her own home. Once someone is accepted in any way (friends or school officials), she is empowered to make things better for herself and fight for that. That is a valuable lesson that Mount Holyoke stresses of its students.
"Your silence will not protect you"~Audre Lorde
J '07

J., I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry for what you have gone through. It sounds like you and your sister have each other to lean on, but still, you are going through an ordeal that must be incredibly difficult. Congratulations on your graduation and best of luck to you and your sister.
Elizabeth Babbin '96

As a recipient of the Jolene Fund, I would like to share my story with Lenora Bryant '64 ["Viewpoints," winter 2008] and emphasize that no one can predict disownment. Also, if a student is faced with obstacles beyond her control, I truly believe that Mount Holyoke and many other private institutions should assist that student to finish her studies. First off, keeping one's mouth shut has its limitations and consequences. Why would someone want to further perpetuate silence in the lesbian community by not being comfortable in her own skin, or in her own family? How can one grow as a person when part of her identity is silenced or denied?
I received funds from Jolene because my sister (who was not a Mount Holyoke student) is a lesbian. I graduated last May and the summer before my senior year I got kicked out of the house along with my sister. Regardless of how I identify sexually, my mother disowned me as well. I did not expect my mother to kick us out and we had nowhere to go. Her kicking us out was not a result of my sister coming out that day. It was three years of my mother getting tired of knowing that her daughter is a lesbian. She thought it was shameful and a disgrace to her as a mother and to her family and to everything she worked hard for.
My entire family is damaged simply because of ignorance and hate. The person that I looked up to and revered did not want to pay for my final year at Mount Holyoke. It's not like she couldn't afford it; that wasn't the issue. She'd rather lose her child/children than accept that her child is a lesbian. What does that tell you? Do you honestly think that someone would want to keep her mouth shut with such hate circulating within the household?
Although I faced so many obstacles to get to where I am and graduate college, I am even more certain of the importance of staying true to oneself. We should not tolerate hate in any form. A student is better off disowned and comfortable with who she is than silenced and hated in her own home. Once someone is accepted in any way (friends or school officials), she is empowered to make things better for herself and fight for that. That is a valuable lesson that Mount Holyoke stresses to its students.
Anonymous MHC 2007

All great spiritual traditions teach the interconnectedness of all human life—indeed, of all forms of existence—and thus it is always with immense pain and sadness that I read the periodic letters from alumnae who deride the struggles of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people, most recently in the form of a sarcastic criticism of the Jolene Fund.
As a human being, I am connected to GLBT people who suffer the prejudice directed against them; I am also connected to the letter writers, whose harmful speech against GLBT people can only be born out of their own deep suffering.
The reality is that we are all one body, one organism, seeking light and healing. What we do to ourselves, we do to others; what we do to others, we do to ourselves. Separation is an illusion.
So I write this letter out of compassion for myself, and out of compassion for my sisters and brothers on both sides of this divide. Let us all take care of our suffering, so that we may cease to inflict it upon each other. Let us learn ways to see ourselves in the face of the other.
Linda Johnson Astur '94

Ms. Bryant's "Viewpoint" is so full of stereotypes and untruths that it is astonishing. Ms. Bryant is way behind the current intelligence on all of the following points: her suggestion that students should hide their sexual orientation since it's "probably just a phase," that sexual orientation is caused by being "under the influence" of someone or something (in this case it's the "all women's colleges make you a gay" argument), that lesbians who out themselves are "asking for help," and that the students whose parents "explode" and deny them the rest of their MHC education have caused it themselves and are asking to be "bailed out."
Then there is the incorrect assumption that MHC does not advocate freedom of sexual expression (has she not heard?!) It is condescending to suggest that the college should make sure the students know the real dilemmas we encounter out in the real world: the discrimination and judgment, subtle and not so subtle, that women will face coming out as lesbians is known to us all long before we even decide when and where it is safe to be ourselves.
Ms. Bryant is suggesting that sexual orientation is a "path" that students might be persuaded not to take if only they understood, but it is no more a choice then say, eye color.
Dana Kowal Beauvais '85

I'm writing in response to comments from Lenora Castles Bryant and John Bryant about the Jolene Fund. First of all, Mr. Bryant's reaction is only "unanticipated" because he champions all sorts of other rights and freedoms on his website - why not champion our right to pool our money to support an MHC student whose parents have painfully disowned her because of who she is? As someone who claims to have his views and opinions criticized and scorned, it's disappointing that he can't relate to a student's experience of being shunned by people she trusted to always love and support her.
Overall, the Bryants' views smack of blaming the victim. Somehow they put responsibility on the student for her parents' reaction to her sexuality. I've known students whose parents have read their journals, listened in on their phone calls, read their mail and as a result discovered the secret their daughters tried desperately to keep from them. The Jolene Fund isn't only for students who willingly - and courageously, I might add - come out to their parents, but for those who perhaps tried not to "make a big deal of it."
It is not the responsibility of queer people to "not make a big deal" of our sexuality, because - well, what does it even mean when we do? Does it mean we go on dates? We talk out loud about our crushes? We cry when we get our hearts broken? Are these things are only for straight people? Or for four years do our MHC sisters have to pretend that they are not full human beings? If you have ever had to hide a part of who you are, you know it takes a toll on you. Not having all parts of your life integrated becomes exhausting and does not foster genuine connections with the people from whom we have to hide ourselves. So then the parents lose too; how sad for everyone.
Lastly, there is the question of what Ms. Bryant is advocating in terms of "'family values' curriculum depicting various real dilemmas we encounter out here in the world." Homophobia (and transphobia) are real dilemmas that exist both on the MHC campus and in the real world.
In terms of choosing paths, I hope that queer students feel strong enough with this support to choose the path that is right for them, vs. the path of least resistance. Thank goodness the Jolene Fund is there as a support mechanism for the child of a family in crisis. Lenora, it's a safety net to help ensure that other students get to enjoy the full Mount Holyoke College education that you and I did. It's a wonderful gift, and I hope many alumna continue to support it.
Corinna Yazbek '00

I write in reply to the letter from my classmate Lenora Castles Bryant '64 regarding the Jolene Fund. The Fund contributes tuition for lesbian students whose parents stop paying when they discover their daughters' sexual orientation. Ms. Bryant thinks the students should keep quiet and stay in the closet, not "rely on the college (or rather, its benefactors) to bail [them] out."
This attitude ignores today's environment for lesbian students. Moreover, it is insulting and trivializes a deeply painful, destabilizing experience.
When we were at Mount Holyoke, lesbianism was unmentionable. Lesbian students were automatically expelled in disgrace. Discovery meant lost friends, family, career opportunities, even freedom (when women were sent to mental institutions to "cure" us). Lesbianism was considered a sin, a sickness, or a crime; above all, it was shameful. As fair game, lesbians stayed closeted, and our social world was secret and protective.
Now, in a more welcoming society, it's almost impossible to remain in the closet. How normal to visit gay blogs, email "out" gay friends, reveal too much on Face Book! Maybe, during break, buddies drop in who just can't keep a secret (because they don't see the point). Maybe the student is spotted entering a gay club (no longer in a hidden part of town).
Most important is the need to be oneself. What a horrid experience, either to stay in the closet always, a fake personality, or to be out at college, and return home pretending to be straight. These are choices that no one should have to make any more. In the modern context, they are not only agonizing, but absurd. How more natural and healthy to come out!
These women have lost their families' love and support and almost lost their College. They deserve our respect and compassion. They have mine.
Elizabeth Callaway '64